Every day did get better and suddenly I found myself laughing with my girls, enjoying the company of my preggo friends and overwhelmed with gratitude for God’s mercy. I felt somewhat ashamed that I no longer felt grief over the loss of this baby but at the same time, I know this baby is exactly where God had planned and I know that I will see him/her one day. Ahhh…Peace. A gift no person can offer when it is needed most.
I write today with a heavy heart however. I am struggling to know God’s will and trying to not lose hope in the dream of having another baby to hold.
I became pregnant again on January 12th. This would have been our fourth baby. It was too early to take a test but I know this body so well, that at this point a pregnancy test is just a formality. The day after I conceived (like all the others), I felt that familiar pressure and I knew. A few days later I was running to the bathroom every hour, waking 4 times a night to ‘go’, and my breasts were swollen (to the point of not fitting my bras) and so sore that I could not walk down the stairs without extra support. I felt those familiar, wonderful ‘twinges’ in my belly again and on Sunday the 20th, I nearly didn’t make it out the door to church as the waves of nausea were becoming unbearable. I cautiously began mentally planning for another (less coffee in the morning, peaking back at the babycenter website and getting excited). However, in the back of my mind I worried that this would end the same as the last…and it did. Yesterday my breasts no longer hurt and the swelling had gone done…deflated…Ha, a cynical metaphor of my hopes. I knew. There was a tiny spot of blood in the morning and by evening I used the restroom and there was a penny sized amount of ‘tissue’ left behind. Not blood this time. By bed time I started my period (which should not have started till the 31st). It was different this time. Not as heart wrenching as the first, as I had only been excited for a few days this time and before it was a month of planning and excitement. However, another sad end to hopes still raised is disappointing to say the very least. I went to bed feeling displaced. I didn’t want to cry and I didn’t feel the grief I had before (it happened so fast). I was confused and fell asleep praying.
I dreamt last night that I was fighting with Satan. In the dream I was shooting this huge ‘man’ in black over and over but nothing happened. I wondered if I had missed my shot but he laughed and said “Don’t you know who I am?!” and I realized I could do nothing myself to stop him. I put the gun down and he turned away and fought with Ron. Also in the dream I had a young son (probably 5 years old) who earlier had been hit in the head playing at a baseball game (he was still in his cute, little blue and white uniform). He was rushed to the ER and though he seemed fine, talking and laughing he suddenly stopped talking, closed his eyes and died as the doctors were frantically working on him. Ron was the main Doctor in the dream and he was trying to save him but the other doctors pulled him away and told him he was already gone…
I woke not wanting to leave the dream like that. I tried to go back to sleep and ‘rewrite it’ but I couldn’t. Instead I got out of bed and read my Bible like I do every morning. However, in the middle of my reading I NEEDED to cry. I put my bible down and sitting in my cozy bed, cried out to God aloud, ‘Why?! Why?! Why?!’. I didn’t expect an answer and I know that I am in no place to demand one. I just want to know what God wants but am receiving no feedback other than the loss of these two babies. Are we wrong to want another? Is God showing me that this is not the path we should be taking? Is God saving me from a tragedy later on (is my body no longer healthy enough to carry a baby)? Are we supposed to adopt instead???
I asked God all of these questions, not expecting an answer but wishing that He would ‘surprise’ me. I begged God for a sign instead…direction. Lord I want your will more than anything in life. I KNOW your ways are greater than my own. You know all my days…all the days of this earth. I know your way is best and that you want for me to prosper. With that knowledge I can faithfully say I want YOUR will and not my own. Just show me what it is so that I can faithfully follow!
I decided to EXPECT a sign and this is what came to me…
If Ron comes home tonight and brings up adoption or more specifically, finishing the (literal) last step needed to complete the fostering license process (we have until February 21st to finish it or we have to start the process over), then I will know God wants us to move forward with adoption.
Note that Ron doesn’t mention this kind of thing…Although he is open to God’s will, he would much rather just have more of our own children than ‘risk’ adoption. So truly if he brings it up (not a single prompt from me)…that would be a miraculous sign!
I also asked that if this DOES happen, that God would change Ron’s heart to be (strongly) led to adopt. He needs to be the leader, the strong one, the faithful one, should we take this route. The whole process is a bit terrifying for both of us, especially when I want a baby… With a baby, you don’t know what ‘problems’ (health issues, etc) that may exist…I fear that the baby could have great health issues, what if he/she has needs so great that we struggle to care for them? I know this sounds selfish and plainly put, it is. I’m being honest here…this is scary! Can our marriage handle this? What if deep down we resent this precious baby?! (Yeah, I’m going ‘there’, this is truth and these are the thoughts that run through our minds…Thoughts that can overwhelm and detour us from taking that step.) Fear has a way of causing doubt that we never knew existed…A sneaky way of showing us a weakness that we never had.
BUT, when fear creeps in I have to remind myself that fear does not come from God. Fear is Satan’s way of keeping us from God’s will. So I push the thoughts back, close that door and trust that God will provide regardless. Scary, yet reassuring at the same time, if you can follow that one!
So today I awake to another disappointment, a weird dream (that may very well leave the best ‘shrink’ confused and the nearest priest prepping for an exorcism) and a ‘lost’ feeling that is more than unsettling. I find myself questioning God’s plan for us and in the end am scared…um I mean “excited”, to see what will happen when Ron comes home…If Ron does mention adoption, is that an end to the dream of having another baby ourselves? and if he does NOT mention adoption what then? Well I guess we will see what God has in store. You see, whether we ‘get it’ or not, His plan will prevail. I am asking for a road sign, for some kind of reassurance but I also know that this is not usually given. However, we are still expected to blindly…faithfully follow (which I will).
I am not sure (I have no idea) why we are struggling to have another baby after the first 2 were so easy, but God knows and in the end I trust Him.
Last Sunday we were singing “Your great name” and the part “Redeemer, My Healer, Lord Almighty…” left me weak at the knees…Yes! “My Healer”. Oh I take that personally now. I own the name of God, “My Healer” and I will be forever thankful. I met this part of God when He healed my damaged kidneys 9 years ago. I met him again when He removed the hemorrhaging from my eyes 7 years ago and I know Him now in a way I never knew…When we lost our baby on New Year’s day. God healed my heart in a way no one else could. Though He didn’t just heal the wound, He left me with something new…something greater inside that I cannot begin to put into words. Grace.
And now just 2 weeks later, I am faithful that He will do it again. My Healer.